Sunday, April 7, 2013

Sorry guys

I have had so much going on. I am not trying to make excuses, but some of it has been positive, some really not positive and some just weird. My job is weird. WEIRD. It would help if I didn't despise it, but we can't have everything, can we?

The worst thing going on with me is that my puppy has gone into kidney failure. She's not in any pain so she's home, we tend to nurse rather than put them to sleep, believing that if no pain is involved that nature should take it's course. Watching her feel so terribly is really challenging that belief for me, I confess. Ultimately, she isn't really my dog and it's not really my choice to make. I just love her as if she is and I've been helping care for her and look out for her. I'm all cried out, for which I think she is really grateful as even as terrible as she feels she looks at me like "Jesus would you get it together". We are all in agreement that when signs of pain appear she will have to take her big sleep. In the meantime, every moment is a gift and I feel terrible guilt for not being with her every moment, but honestly, she doesn't want that. I lay on the floor with her and pet her head and talk to her until she struggles to get up and get away. She's always been a loner. Loving and sweet and the gentlest girl you could ask for but with a fierce independent streak. As MDAMO said, she will do what she wants. He loves her, too. Honestly, it is impossible not to.

Here is my sweet precious in younger days.

This is a pretty typical back off expression from her. She never liked having her picture taken.

Look at that face...the face that enslaved us all to her cuteness. I don't know where the picture I have of her is that I really love....

I found it. Thank the gods for online photo storage, emma right?

These two were taken at the same time and they capture her so well. Her personality, her joy..I love her too much. It hurts so much to lose her. Lest anyone think I was actually dangling my dog upside down she was laying on my lap on her back while I was rubbing her belly and trying to keep her from squirming off. Someone else took these pictures, probably my Mom. She was making her funny growly sounds and acting a fool as always.

Maybe I'm not cried out after all.

My dearest Molly,

I love you so much, little girl. Thank you for the joy, the love and the friendship you have so selflessly given your whole life, from the time I brought you home from Chicago in the breaking down car that made so much noise and made you hate riding in the car forever, to now, when you still lift your head to greet me, though I know you probably couldn't feel a lot worse. You have made my life better, enriched it in so many ways and I am so grateful that we were able to give you a happy life, free from hunger, pain, and cruelty. You gave so much more than we did, always. Please do not be afraid to go ahead. I believe you are on your way to a beautiful green field with sunshine and trees, lots of leaves for you to sniff at and sticks to investigate. Bubba is waiting for you there (and I am sure there are bees for her to snap at). I love you so much, I will miss you, but you will be young like this again, full of joy, and ready to play as you were for so many years. Maybe there is even a spot for you to itch your back and make pirate sounds! I'm sure there is. What kind of heaven could it be for you without that? And all the purple dinosaurs you can chase. Can't forget those.

Thank you for letting me know you, for sharing your life with mine, for all the kiss-kiss on my nose and the cuddles, and the begging at the table and for tolerating my picking you up and carrying you around. You are so special.

Your Missy